Mother dear, WHAT IF?

Mother dear, WHAT IF?

I look at her,
Worn and worried,
Burdened with the unending cruelties of her life.
Yet she goes on and on,
Without ever stopping,
Just a pathetic being,
Numb with the perpetual stress.

Physical health in shreds:
Migraine, PCOD, Thyroid, Arthritis,
Yet these are not her greatest foes.

Pathetic pity for her life’s greatest cruelty was not inevitable,
Not bestowed upon her by the family she was born to.
Wonderful people if not for their passivity and cowardice,
Passivity and cowardice—her inherent heredity.

It was the monster she married,
And the monster she birthed.
I did not inherit her humanity;
I inherited only her husband’s monstrosity.

He broke her bit by bit with his gaslighting and abuse,
Shattered me with his booming voice and hits.
My pain turned into this vindictive rage
That I projected upon her,
For there was no outlet.

I love her with all my heart,
Yet I resent her for not saving me:
A passive audience to the perpetual trauma that broke me
Until I was just a shell of my former self,
And turned into this angry, resentful, volatile monster.

Suicidal and homicidal ideations my coping mechanisms,
Depression, daydreaming, self-harm my burdens,
Fury my shield against the world.

She still thinks my resentment is wrong,
For we are victims of the same monster.
But how will the epiphany ever hit?
For she was a grown woman who could have fought back and saved me,
And I was just a helpless child who did not know anything.

She had wonderful parents who gave her a beautiful childhood,
While half my childhood is amiss and the other half is just screams and hits.

She could have saved me, but she didn’t.
Her life’s greatest cruelty was not inevitable.
She could have always escaped, but she didn’t.
She let me rot in the hell she willingly entered,
Until the monster she married turned her child into a monster
And turned her into this big WHAT IF.

WHAT IF she never said yes?
WHAT IF she never birthed me?
WHAT IF she fought back?
WHAT IF she saved me?
WHAT IF she chose me over her marriage?
WHAT IF she ran away with me?
WHAT IF she killed him?
WHAT IF she killed me in her womb?

Yet alas, Mother,
These will always remain WHAT IFs,
For you did not act.
WHAT IF you did?

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